I went on a mission today to see nature in its highest form. I got the idea from when Trixie and I went to Pahrump the other day. We passed a street named Cimarron.

I asked her to look up the definition of the word while I drove. It is Spanish for unruly. Well, if they are going to start naming streets after my woman, then this deserves deeper investigation.

Cimarron is also the name of the most majestic of all creatures – the American Big Horn!

Before today the most exotic animal I had ever seen in the wild was probably an alligator. But, since they just loll about on the side of the road on the aptly named, “Alligator Alley” it wasn’t all that.

I saw a feral pig once in North Carolina.  Or, maybe it had just gotten out of his pen and was walking down the road. I couldn’t be sure.

I was determined to spot a cimarron in its natural stomping grounds so I went to Zion Canyon.

Zion, and the neighboring towns of Virgin and Hurricane were named by the Mormon settlers and are kind of all over the place, if you ask me.

I flashed my All-Access Pass to the ranger on duty instead of paying the $30 entrance fee. He, like all of them, seemed disappointed.

There are sheer walls and multi-colored canyons.  (pic related)

The road through Zion is fraught with peril. I have years of experience and am licensed to drive all vehicles from a motorcycle to tractor/triple trailer combo. Even still, this route required 100% of my skill, training,experience and concentration if I was to make it through safely. But, since I am a thrillseeker, I gave it about 45%. (pic related)

The yellow line represents the road. The blue dot/arrow is the EM-50 Phantom Rambler

There is, what appears to be, a tunnel on the side of a mountain that even Wile E. Coyote – super genius, wouldn’t fall for (pic related)

so they changed their minds and dug one at ground level.

I hiked out to The Overlook – about 1 mile round trip. But instead of seeing a cimarron I got to see the treacherous road I had travelled.

I think the folks at Garmin nailed this one

No big horns 🙁

I drove back the way I came and went to the Visitor’s Center to complain about all the signs warning about Big Horn x-ing, and all the stuffed ones for sale in the gift shop.

I spoke to some bearded, young, punk, hipster, ranger guy. In my best people voice I asked,

“So, what are the odds of actually seeing one of the Big Horns? Cuz, I’ve been all through the park and all I saw was some stinking mule deer.”

He looked at me long and disgustedly. He was trying to decide if he hated me because I was fucking with him or because he envied my luck. This ranger was suffering from outdoor burnout. Too much nature for too long.  When finally he spoke he said, nastily, “Yeah, well, you’re the first, then.”

“I am?” I asked.

“Yes, you are. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go out into the park, or just drag my ass home one day and not see them ISIS-fuckers all over the place.”

It took me a moment to get the name he called them, and then I thought it was hilarious. I didn’t laugh though because he was serious.

“So, why didn’t I see them?” I asked.

He looked at me appraising and said, while nodding with just his eyes, “Cuz you ain’t looking.”

Then, slightly friendlier, he added, “Go back to the east side – there aren’t any here on the west side. You gotta go high. Them fuckers like it up high.”

I didn’t bother to tell him I had done this. I just said,  “Ok. Then what?”

“Then, on the other side of the tunnel, if you haven’t run one over by now – which I have to go out and clean off the asphalt, BY THE WAY! – pull off to one of those cut outs on the side of the road. You’ll see one within a minute.”

I thanked him while he just waved me away like I was a pest. And, I drove back along the treacherous road, through the tunnel and to the cutaway.  Nothing.

I sat there. Nothing. I took this pic.

Nothing

So, I sat there thinking about Trixie. My go to reverie. I don’t call her my “dream girl” for nothing. She is a sci-fi geek, you know. This made me think of Star Trek and their old trick of…”Zoom! ENHANCE!”

So, I did…

These ISIS-fuckers had been standing right there in front of me the whole time!

I watched them. They didn’t do much. The one hiding in the bush had the big ass curly horns and all.

One of the others jumped to a different spot and caused a rock slide to come crashing down on one of the ones in the center of the pic. I was horrified as I watched a boulder roll about five feet and strike it right at the knees. I was gonna watch a mountain goat, the very definition of “sure-footedness” fall off of a mountain!

But, a funny thing happened. The boulder hit the goat. Then it (the boulder) split in half and rolled around each side. The goat never even flinched. Nice.

There was now nothing left to do but take my life back into my hands and descend the icy mountain again.

I made it back to St George – also named by the Mormons. I cannot lock in on the pattern.