If you twisted my arm and made me come up with a complaint about my lovely bride, Trixie, I would resist for as long as I could, then probably confess that, perhaps…maybe…she could take a smidge more pride in her work when it comes to keeping house.  In fact, I have always thought that one of the things that made us work so well together was how gracious I was in terms of tolerating this shortcoming of her’s.  It is a rare instance that I would even mention it.  That’s just how I roll.

It is not that she is a slob, per se, but there just always seemed to be more to do, houseworkwise.

I was so gentle and understanding on this issue for several reasons:

1. She is only human.  I can’t expect perfection in everything.
2.  There had never been an official division of labor that expressly assigned her certain tasks – just a general understanding.
3. Not only does she work full-time, but she works very hard.
4. She did seem to be trying.  Like she wanted the house to be organized and neat but, it just wasn’t her bag.  I couldn’t, in good conscience ask for more than that.
5. I enjoyed being magnanimous about it.  Felt good to be the bigger person, so to speak.
6. Frankly, neatness is not high on my list of priorities.  Truth be told, I could have probably worked on this issue within myself.  And, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.

So, through my silence, patience and understanding, we have made it work.

But, now, after 5 months on the road, I made it back home. I hadn’t bathed since South Dakota.  But, that’s O.K., she was away at the beach, for work.  Yes, this tireless life partner of mine has given up her weekend, without complaint, to work a booth at a trade show or whatever.  I knew this.  And, because she has been working ’til 8 p.m. every night lately, going home and collapsing in bed, I was braced for the old homestead to be a disaster.  Oddly…it wasn’t.  In fact, it was neat as a pin.  Weird.

Years ago, someone wrote an article entitled, 15 Life Hacks to Make it Look Like You’ve Got Your Shit Together where the author tells you to do stuff like,  ‘…get the biggest bowl in your house and fill it with some fucking lemons.”  And, “…cover your couch with a bunch of throw pillows with some meaningless words on them” to my favorite, “…pretend you can’t remember what wine you have.  I think there is some Cab Sav in the cupboard”  Anyway, it was like Trixie had read this article like it was an operator’s manual.   She had even removed the doors to the kitchen cabinets.  There was nowhere for clutter to hide.  I was impressed.  I had no idea what brought about this change in her otherwise…I don’t want to come right out and say “lazy nature”, so I will leave it out.

Because I fancy myself to be a humorist, I briefly entertained the notion of claiming that maybe she was always like this but that I had personally added so much to the workload that she couldn’t keep up.  Haha.  But, I find the funniest stuff comes from true-to-life stuff.  I couldn’t just go making shit up just for a laugh.

Besides, now that I have been home for a whole day now, as I look around, I see the place isn’t nearly as tidy as I had initially thought.  In fact, yeah, kind of a mess.  My eyes must have been playing tricks on me.

After several hours this morning of waiting for a meal to magically appear before me (like it used to when I sat in my big chair in the old days) I figured I would have to take matters into my own hands.  I went to the kitchen and opened a can of tuna.  Theretofore invisible felines suddenly appeared before my eyes. I don’t know how many cats she had when I left, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t this many.  They started moving about frenetically.  They were jumping and rolling as they circled me.  It was like a feeding frenzy in a shark tank.  I yelled and swatted at them.  They hunkered down and continue to swish their tails sinisterly as they circled me.

I drained the water from the can and they leapt up onto the sink and started lapping at the run off.  Even that asshole Binx was in on it.

Eventually, I managed to give them the slip and eat my lunch.  I had to leave the kitchen in disarray , but that is Trixie’s fault for having cats.  But, I am sure I will get around to cleaning it up after my nap.

What’s Happening?  Good Times. 

It takes Diff’rent Strokes and The EM-50 Phantom Rambler is starting to look and sound like the truck from Sanford & Son, but…

That’s My Mama…

…and, Baby I’m Back!

Look, I don’t want to get into a whole thing about how truck drivers see a seedier side of the American interstates that most people aren’t aware even exists, so just trust me on this…

The Minnesota Department of Transportation needs to rename this rest area.

Sometimes I troll the science board on certain social media web sites.  These are places where smart people ask questions about science and even smarter people answer them.  I occasionally chime in with innapropriate, off-topic jokes and end up getting  banned.

In my time there, I noticed one of the most common questions goes something like this:

If the universe is comprised of vast nothingness and is said to be still expanding, what, then, is it expanding into?

The really smart people try to explain how the universe is expanding like a balloon being inflated and that our primitive minds can’t really visualize “nothingness” and then they post some equations that have a lot of Greek letters and some hieroglyphics that looks like it would be more at home in Hangar 13 at Area 51 than on this board.  That’s when I get lost and make a joke about Uranus.

I’m ready for them now, though.

Here is how it will go:

Smart person: If the universe is comprised of mostly nothing and is expanding, what is it expanding into:

Me: North Dakota. (pic related)…

I drove across central South Dakota just to scratch North Dakota off my list.  It was like making the Kessel Run….you lose track of space and time and which one is which.

It is devoid of…stuff. there is just nothing here.

Some might say they have different priorities in the Dakotas…

I like that they included a cute cartoon fox in this PSA

We have all heard of Fargo..right?

I mean, even before Steve  Buscemi got fed through that wood chipper in that movie with the pregnant cop, we had heard of Fargo.  Big city, right?

It is about the same size (though has a smaller population than) Edmonston, Md.  Not Hyattsville – they are dwarfed by Hyattsville. Edmonston.  Unless you are from there, you’ve never heard of it.

But, I had to come here. The EM-50 Phantom Rambler is old, and tired and may not finish the trek, but North Dakota was a must.  In my time I have rambled through 47 states now – 32 just on this road trip so far (with more to add before I’m done). The only ones left are Alaska,  Hawaii and, for some reason Vermont.

This was my one chance to achieve North Dakota, and now it is done.

My next destination is South Trixie (heh heh, that’s a dirty joke.)

I’m in South Dakota, which I’ve never been able to figure if it is in the west or the midwest. Technically it is “Midwest”, but it is far enough north to be considered “West.” But that makes no sense…except it does.

It is like an oxymoron, a type of phrase I’ve been thinking about since I passed Little Bighorn, the site of Custer’s last stand. There is a themed custard stand there and they have reenactments of the battle, you know, for the kids.

I’ve never understood reenacting blood fests like Gettysburg, the gunfight at the OK Corral, Little Bighorn,  etc and turning then into a madcap, family-friendly event that is fun for all ages! (Except grandpa…he might have been there to witness the real thing and still has nightmares).

It is not fair of me to single out the Custer thing without showing that the folks in Montana don’t have depth to their entertainment and culture.

You don’t have to be nuts to attend, but you should have some balls.

Upon leaving Montana, I cut through Wyoming, intent on making a run at Devil’s Tower, but The EM-50 Phantom Rambler started acting up so I turned east.

Instead I went for the smack dab center of the country…

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…

If that sign was at all legible in this pic you would be able to read that Belle Fourche, SD overtook Smiths Center, Kansas as the geographic center of these here United States after the inclusion of Alaska and Hawaii to the union.

The sign goes on to say that the real exact center is 20 miles north of here, but there is nothing there really. It is just a field. And, they already had a visitors center on this spot so they dug a hole and planted the sign so spend some money in town…dicks.

With Trixie on my mind, I ramble on.